Day: August 12, 2020

Thoughts and Things – part 2

**The following are a continuation of entries from my notebook of thoughts, written while on the water, my water- logs!                                              

Water – log: 7/3/second year at condo – Wow, it’s been a while and so much has happened.  I left my job last week -after 17 years.   It was another stressful year, and just time to move on! It hasn’t really hit me yet.  I suspect relief and sadness are both swimming silently below the surface, like the beavers here, waiting to slap their tails in warning if I get too close.  I am not ready to examine all the emotions attached to leaving yet, easier to believe it was about the job than drag the darker truths about me into view.  The first week of ‘freedom’ was difficult, so hard to find a focus, overwhelmed with so many things that needed doing! Where to start??  Mental mayhem started on a slow road towards stillness around Thursday, but a long trip remains ahead.                                                                                                                                                     

Mom and dad came up to join me here.  Ron is at a softball tournament in Syracuse with our daughter.  Our son is in Long Island visiting his girlfriend.  We are scattered in so many different directions.  I never see Ron.  He is always on the run to softball or golf or endless ‘meetings’.  I am alone and lonely.  I know the kids are slowly loosening the ties that bind them to us to make room to explore new attachments.  I also know the ties are loosened but not severed, and that we will form different bonds as they grow.  But that is not the story with Ron.  Our connections have been unraveling for a long time.  I do not want to spend my life entwined in the responsibilities of a marriage yet constantly spend my time alone.  I told him before he left on Friday to decide if he wanted to be my companion – and to let me know.  Some alone time is not a problem, I have many interests and opportunities that do not require a partner, but I also want a companion, at least part of the time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Water – log: 7/6/ – 8:30 AM  – I am in the middle of the lake – overcast and peaceful.  Oddly enough, clarity seems to peek through the haze of the clouds, breeding calmness and easing the pace of things.   A few people are fishing from shore or in small boats.  I am drifting towards the beaver dam end of the lake today.  Drifting usually takes me in the other direction, but the gentle wind must be stronger than the opposing current.  Bird songs fill the air.  My friend/co-owner joined us late on Sunday – said she needed to be away.  The condo is not just my escape hatch!  We had a peaceful Fourth of July.  My father went fishing while we took a trip to the ice cream store with my mother.  Later we grilled burgers and corn coated in mayo and cayenne pepper, followed by marshmallows toasted over the remaining coals and squished between graham crackers and chocolate.  My parents had never had s’mores before!  Fireworks crackled through the distant air while a lively game of dominoes ended our evening.                                                                                                                           

Peaceful moments were interrupted the next morning when my friend received a call from home – her daughter hit someone in a crosswalk last night.  The person walked away and did not appear hurt, but now phone calls filled with worry and concern crackle across the distance.    


Water – log: 7/7 – My parents left early today to avoid traffic.  My friend and I headed to one of the large steam boat rides on Lake George – in search of calm.  Threatening clouds promised and delivered a thunderstorm while we were on the water.  We sat outside on the boat, protected from the wind and rain under a deep overhang, watching with fascination as we passed through the storm.   A bright hot sun and clear blue skies quickly replaced the clouds.  We followed up the boat ride with a trip to the arcade shooting gallery in town, maybe imagining other targets for the ducks that entered our sights!  The roar of the storm, along with the rumble of our conversation and the release of laughter as we aimed our air rifles, eased the worry.  My friend headed home to assess the extent of damage done – both physical and psychological.  She seems to be facing endless challenges these days, a divorce, a close friend’s death, and now this mishap with her daughter. Yet she appears to be doing OK, overwhelmed for sure, but still able to handle it somehow.  I have such admiration for her – always have. She is one tough lady, but stays caring and thoughtful. And usually seems able to pull laughter and love to the top of the heap!  Knowing her has made a huge impact on my life, a very positive one that has helped me live in a better way.

Just saw a little turtle perched on a lily pad! I’m in the weeds now – time to paddle!                                                                                                                            

Water – log: 8/30 – I am finally back at the condo.  Rentals have been abundant – a good thing! But I have missed time on the lake.  Ron came up with our daughter and her friend.  The girls went for a swim before we headed out to eat, and then sequestered themselves in their room to gab and giggle the night away.  Ron and I sat outside for a while, skimming across the surface of troubles as if they didn’t exist – like the long legged water bugs striding swiftly across the lake without sinking into the depths below.  Everyone left early this morning, Ron off to golf and the girls to their busy social life at home – a token visit of less than 24 hours!                          

Alone again, I felt edgy as I transitioned from crazy to calm, unsettled, not quite sure which way to go.  I went online for a bit, then ate, then decided to strip wallpaper from the half bathroom – a task I’ve been avoiding all year.  I worked quite a while, got it all removed, cleaned up, then went upstairs to shower before going out to buy wallpaper border and new lights.  I glanced at my watch – without glasses – and thought it read 2:30.  Not as late as I thought it would be.  I rested briefly then went downstairs to get ready to go and glanced at the clock – which read 6:45!!  Looked at my watch – 6:45!  Could still not believe it so I went upstairs to check that clock – yep, 6:45.  A time warp?  How could I have been so far off the correct time?  Skies cloaked in gray clouds had disguised changes in the light outside, but I had no idea it was that late!  A stinging reminder of how often I underestimate the time it takes to do things – an ongoing challenge in my time management skills!  Decided errands could wait until tomorrow.  There was just enough time to take a paddle on the ‘puddle’ before nightfall!                                              

The remaining light is dim. I stay close to the shore. The water is still.  Wildlife is silent.  The stroke of the paddle releases time from nature’s equation.                                                                         To be continued……