Sitting quietly in my kayak while floating on the lake, my thoughts often drifted into unexplored territory. I found a small notepad and a short pencil to tuck inside the wire spiral – a perfect fit for the mesh pocket on my life jacket, ready to record moments of interest or simple contemplation.
7/11/first year at condo – I am surrounded by yellow water lilies; a nice breeze is taking the kayak where it pleases. Yesterday at a craft fair I found a woman making wonderful fabric art. I felt an immediate connection and a surge of creativity. We talked for a while and I took her card, maybe I can contact her to come join a few friends and me to make art together! It felt good to feel excited and alive. I can feel the cloud that has surrounded my heart, placed there when what I thought was a close friend ‘disowned’ me, lifting away. The confusion, loss and grief will always be there, but I won’t continue to let it rule my daily emotions! True joy is raising its wings as I sit here serenely on the water, moving only by the forces of nature. I long to share this with her, we have talked about such things so many times. But I will share it with others instead, or just relish it by myself.
I talked with another friend earlier – so full of energy and life. She just bought herself a bike, sent for a catalog for programs at the Chautauqua Institute, and may come visit me at the lake in a week. I am so excited about this possibility! Yesterday I made up a song as I drove here in the car, about the lost friendship, and sang it over and over:
I refuse to be accused, By the world or by you! I don't need diamonds and gold, just give me water and wood. You say I don't appreciate all I have, but you only refer to monetary goods. It seems you will never understand that they don't bring the joy you feel they should. The security they must afford seems clear and understood; but I am living a good life and know I only need water and wood. You've cast aside my loving care, and feel I've never understood the choices you "can't" share because your early life was not good. But you don't understand who I am, and how I came to be. I doubt you will ever be able to see how I came to be me.
8/2 – It rained all day yesterday, plus I was working on getting the condo ready for our first real renters. It was cloudy this morning and I had plans to finish the headboards, but then decided to wrap things up and go kayaking instead. The sun was out briefly. I saw the field of purple flowers growing on the lake for the first time – sat in the middle of them, surrounded by bumble bees hard at work. I’ve seen seven fish swim by and heard the beaver’s tail slap its warning. The water is crystal clear today – almost feels unreal. This is the best time at the lake – Saturday after 10 and before 4 – renters are gone, everything is so quiet, including my brain right now – an incredible rarity! No more writing.
8/30 – This may be the most beautiful day on the water yet, sunny and warm but not hot, blue sky, and a friend in the canoe next to me to talk to. I can see the bottom so clearly, so far out, and lots of BIG fish near the large swimming area, close to shore. I love the paddling – moving meditation – but also love just sitting on the quiet water. Not much wind today, but I am slowly spinning in a circle as I sit and write. We hiked almost to Inman pond yesterday – over 6 miles – but we started late and were concerned it would get dark before we finished, so we turned back. It was a great hike. My legs feel it today, but I slept more soundly last night than I have in many weeks. Maybe I just need more exercise to get through the sleeping difficulties I’ve been having lately. I feel so calm out here – I wish I could collect and store this feeling to use when I’m stressed. Visualization? School starts in two days. I’m feeling like it will be better. It was so tough this summer and all last year. I need to find a peaceful place in my head and heart for work. I can’t repeat the level of stress I felt last year. I am convinced it will make me sick to keep running at that rate. I keep saying I need to start my day with yoga – maybe just a centering activity to help me start the day. I will try again to do it (that ‘try’ word is there – can’t I just do it?) – just BREATHE! I want to stay out here on the lake forever today! I am so thankful I have the opportunity to be here. I can’t wait to share it with others. I really enjoy the neighbors a few doors down too. It has been great getting to know them. To be continued…..